Don't Cry

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 20:18:00 GMT

deciphering whether bret will come up and stay with me in the summer or I shall go down there. I'm probably going to go down there to see Emily anyway. So I don't know, Em is coming in August to. So many plans.

All in all is well for now.
even though the clouds are out, and the shades are down.

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 14:26:08 GMT

happy

birthday

to

me.

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 18:34:59 GMT

Im begging you to be my escape

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 02:12:14 GMT

I ripped up an old navy shirt that I had and never wore. Now that I show my respect for Old Navy, I'll wear it. Mm milk.

Horizon Organic milk is hella tight

she looks like she could cry.

unfocused as always

fuck old navy and its clothing

do you remember that?

Kiss me one last time

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 14:59:44 GMT

man this has got to be one of the best fucking vacations ever. i mean i really havn't done anything but have kj over and thats some deff. major points in order of making this break good. Then tonight I get to hang out with some more friends at youth group fuck yeah. they all better be there. tomorrow I'm sleeping over my mothers house then friday we're going BIRTHDAY shopping..um well because yeah my birthday IS sunday..fuckers. also the weather is GORGEOUS. holy shit im so amazed and greatful. yesterday was perfect..only because kj came over lol. the sky was so freaking clear. not a cloud in sight and it was soooo blue and the temperature was wonderful. all i seem to be doing is looking out at the window onto the water, right now the waves are moving..but they are moving with grace.ha. ::sigh:: i remember kj playing guitar on my couch for me. now that was amazing. if i could i'd post the videos because well i recorded some with my ca-mer-a. it's amazing, HE'S amazing. and well if you put him and i togher thats just to much amazement to handle. i remeber the way he smelt:-) it was just like i remembered back in july. and the way he tasted after i kissed him. then i saw him smile, which blew my mind and all the thoughts in it.

my plans for the weekend..hm well saturday i wanted to hang out with my friend matt who i had not seen since october. check out a movie ya know chill at the mall , something. ummm sundayy i have no idea whats going on then. I'm probably going to have like 3 cakes. one from my mom one from my dad and i have no fucking clue what heathers parents are doing for me. I don't care i love them anyway.

.wooo i'm one happy girl.

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 22:01:00 GMT

today was probably another one of those best days of my life. Kj came over today. at 12:30 he got here, like at my house. holy fuck. when he got here, i couldn't help but be ecsatic (lol) i mean estatic. It was amazing, Kj was like 2 feet away from me, I said this to. except when I said it, it was more like centimeters away from me. Kissing me, holding me. holy fuck. It was an amazing day. we first..hm got a tour of the house, we went outside, we walked like not even half of the half bike path and walked back. kissed ...alot. we sat out on the dock and just looked at the water, hugged well more like held one another. i hadn't seen him for 10 months, since last july. holy fuck. he was gorgeous. i absolutly LOVE his smile. i just melt when i see it. and when he came in the door smiling at first, i could have died. i fucking love this boy. as in love love love love love love love love love love love him. I love Kj Mehmet. Oboy. I kissed him so much. even between words when talking. I mean i even smell like him!!!!!!!i hope he doesn't mind but im posting hott pictures.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 17:12:39 GMT

.Horizon Organic Chocolate milk is hella tight.

This morning I woke up at 11:45...then I decided I'd make crepes while listening to MAE. I did, and I ate alone, but the funny thing is, is that everyone is home. But the only thing that is going on right now in my head is, well rex, and the gathering last night. Rex, because he's gone for Florida today *snifles* now I have no one in walking distance to chillax with over spring break. I was so souped to, because Rex and I had just kinda started hanging out alot more lately. Anyhoo, yes the gathering. It was amazing last night. We got there around 5:35 and there were some kids out on the church lawn, and some inside, fiddling with the sound system thing and lights. Katie kept teasing me about something but it's not important. There was this lady Rosa who told us about her trip to El Salvador and when she left the main stage area thing, the lights of blue, green, purple, pink and other colors shined on the emptry intruments. No one had them in there hands, they wre just lying on the floor untouched. one bass, two guitars and one drum set with wires everywhere. and the shadows they made were amazing, right then and there i wish i had my camera. it was wicked nice, today is one of the youth leaders birthday and next week is mine, and well they brought out two cupcakes with candles in them and they all sang happy birthday to us:-) it was one of those candles you couldn't blow out..hey that just means more wishes! I wished them all the same, even though those don't count unless your real birthday..damn which one is mine, i'm going to have two cakes, one with my mom and one with my dad and ashley.

In other events, I don't know what to do about KJ. we fight so fucking much, basically over this stupid thing. maybe i should get rid of it, or maybe i should just write in it, say what is TRUELY going on inside my head and not let anyone except my best friend Heather see. Cause you know not everyone puts what they truely feel on this thing, it's just kind of an updation on your life with little things missing and your not going to tell the world your most inner secrets, ones that you can only let yourself know.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 01:37:03 GMT

Wonderful times, wonderful times. holy crap, today and yesterday= amazing. today was more amazing though. i'm gonna go on and talk about and not be ashamed of it. i go to this gathering thing every month for my youth group and others all over rhode island and such and its so amazing to go to because its fun and you meet alot of new people. but i slept over katies last night so i could go to the gathering tonight on account of it being up north this time. saw some amazing people, rex knows..teehee. and i'm just so happy. theres another lock in april 29-30 and i cannot wait even though my precious katie will be at prom and winning prom queen of corse..sigh..well theres erm a kinda a situation going on right now i have to go

Did you know how you would move me? When the lights came upon us and we saw the everglow.

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 14:15:01 GMT

memories are coming back to me, and it's making me rather sad. memories of North Carolina, memories of Emily, and..well memories of Bret. i don't know where my memories are taking me with Bret though. i guess I miss the presence of him around me, miss him always next to me. And for the past week, i've felt so alone. when i came back to school, i saw so many people just paired up. a dear friend of mine, paired up with others during class, seeing people happy, laughing. i was talking to someone yesterday, i asked him if he got butterflies or get nervous when he was around his girlfriend, he said he did. and well, i'd give anything to feel that again. to let go of ones hand and feel your own and it's all sweaty from the hands being so tightly together for such a long time. i miss waking up excited to know that i get to see someone special to me today. i mean, i just want to wake up in someone elses arms. i want go on walks, i want to be at there house, iI want to not be uncomfortable when i'm around them but still feel those butterflies of excitement.

Bleh today and tomorrow should be good days though.
I'm staying at a good friend Katie's house tonight and we're gonna watcch invader zim-a-thon, and maybe work on her prom dress. she got nominated for prom queen, i'm so proud of her. Then tomorrow I get to hang with people I havn't since January. I can't wait.

yesterday ashley dropped me off at the providence place mall where i just walked around the third floor until someone noticed that they had seen me before so i worked me way to the 2nd floor then back to the 3rd...then for about 2 hours i was in borders. i love that store. i got a new cd in newbury. mae-the everglow. man this is some very very good music. i can't seem to stop myself from listening to it all the time now.

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 00:18:43 GMT

.Is it enough?.

.my, my, my>/b>.

.the view from phils back yard.

.Bro/ken in two.

Your Mom

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 02:23:47 GMT

Junior "anti-prom" hahahaa..lol.Yes it was at Phils tonight, it was so freaking awesome man! I got there around 4 and these dudes Henery, Pat and Slatney, and Phil and Chris B. were there kinda like..well I don't know..getting ready? But I'm kinda lazy explaining all this but there was..Phil, Chris, Chris, ben, henery, pat, abe, abes MOM..naw im joking, shelly, stephanie, pete, josh d, dan p, bobby c, brittany, corill, and oh my if i forgot anyone,,whoops

come back i know you feel the same speechless i don't know what to say to you to pull us through

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 20:22:04 GMT

Just trying to get by. Today was..well like any other day except better, even though I have no reasons for it to be better. Other than the sun being out, and shining on my face. It's nice to see/feel it again. Next time I'm wearing my sun glasses.hella tight. After school I walked to Calebs with him, and we hung out for about 20 mins, trying to lift weights..that I couldn't and he could. I took an orange and some fig newtons. I walked back to school around 2:30 and my back was hurting because of the back pack. I got some water and then saw Cady, Morgan K, and Kathy, stood with them for a bit. I laughed. Then came along good ole' Brett. We all laughed. Then at 3, caught the late bus. I also didn't take the bus home because well Rex wasn't going to be on it, and I find it rather boring when you sit on a bus all alone..even thought I had to the ride home on the late bus. It's okay it's all for good means.

I actually had a smile on my face all day. It was rather surprising. But it felt good.

Out to dinner tonight with the rent/step-rent/ step-rent's brother in law. Confused? Good. I hope it somewhere good like Seven Moons...mmm Fried Ice Cream.

It's wierd I feel all happy, pleasent, calm and well I look outside and it's so serene. The pond in my front yard, the water is so still. But I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. Rather awkward. I know i'm a little disapointed in my rents because they havn't because I've been home all weekend..havn't left house so they've been out late, and they sleep in when I go to school, and they aren't home when I get home. So bleh I don't care anymore.

.I'm done...

maybe later.

The clouds are out today

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 21:07:10 GMT

Can't you see I'm not happy?

Look to the Sky for your precious answers

They're still in blume

I'm feeling better.

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 16:24:29 GMT

Last night, was the last night spent in North Carolina. Everyone was there at Emily's. George, Bret, Blaine, Cameron, Kristin, Tappey and well, Emily. We played Trivia Pursuite 90's Edition, though Bret and I lost like whoa and stoped playing half way because I was tierd and..other suches*wink. But early we went to Bret's out in the boonies lol, much fun. But this morning when I woke up, I realized I was starting to cry, by the time I was leaving to say goodbye to Emily, my eyes were pouring with tears. I gave Emily a long hug and that was it. I got into the car, and I was still crying...getting on the plane still crying..and as I type this i'm crying. I will never forget this trip, the people I met and the time spent with Emily. I've also come to realize that Emily is the person that completes me. I've been so upset and depressed lately and I now why. Emily isn't here anymore. I told my dad that to, If I had a chance to move to North Carolina I wouldn't wait a second. All my things would be packed. The friends she has are amazing and hard to find. Everyone I mentioned a little before. Thank you Bret, for giving me an awesome time. On the plane, I was sitting alone just staring out the window, trying my hardest not to make any noise because I was crying that hard. I miss it and everyone so much. But crying showed that I had one HELL of a time. I'm so upset I can hardly see the keys on the keyboard, I don't feel like eating and im hungry, I don't feel like moving or talking. I just want to go back.

I love you all.

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 18:49:31 GMT

Total Foot Orgy

Friends Forever

Sleeping Babes

George should become a hair stylist

In the process..

Bleh!!!

This is where we got scared shitless in the morning when we had 3 boys in Lanas house that her parents didn't know about and needed to be gone...without them knowing..there are the faces

*shudders*

Lana trying to call someone to lie for her about a boy leaving early..

Trying not to think of anyhting int he car as we wait for Lanas mom

These pictures were really taken the other day

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 18:31:19 GMT

They just had hott vigorous SEX

Boy don't I want to be really touchin that ass

Bustin his Sag

I love my Sexy Tappey

Surfer Tappey

Having loads of mother fucking fun

Beautiful Emily, then..well there's Jacob

I was ..erm saying somehting? Cringing my teeth

We end with Emily dancing to some hott bluegrass

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 05:50:13 GMT

Ah it's 12:39am Im talking with Tappey and Rex online. I'm feeling quite shitty..well like making out reasons, liking people reasons, friend reasons, depression reasons, rhode island reasons. But what Rex and I have concluded is that I'm probably going to feel shitty when I go back to Rhode Island. I'm so happy right now. Emily is lying in a bed...3 ft away from me it's amazing. The thing that would be missing in my life is right here in front of me. It feels she hasn't really left to begin with. I don't know what to think anymore, I've been absorbed to so much lately, I mean I actually smoked a cigarette today bleh tasted horrible and burned my throat. Made out again tonight, this time it didn't to seem to be as great as the ..first time or maybe 2nd time or 3rd? last count though it didn't feel the same because of...friends and liking people reasons. Im so lost. Don't know what I want. Forgetting important people forgetting whats important. Am i maybe forgetting who i am? I don'tknow I'm turning in, its 12:47 now..damn took me a fucking long time to write this..

Tappey gave me his potty mouth, FUCK YOU..im joking I love you tappey

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 02:20:48 GMT

Emily's Lover Blaine

Tappy and well his widened eye balls

Emily's socks with road rash stickers!

Tappy and his Cup

Bret giving evil looks and the side of my face

Bret and I..im ripping a band aid off his arm

The lovers

Me and my fat ass

George!!!! And his grinchy face

Aww Bret..welll taking a little snooze

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 15:38:23 GMT

Emily having Hardcore sex...ha just joking

You know you like the clevage

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING bitch"

You know you like this...more coming soon! Free Refills!..can't wait till later!

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 21:01:20 GMT

Goodness Gracious. Well things have happened that I really don't feel like saying..all I can and want to say is that now I can maybe hook up with some kids down in NC and not feel bad at all muwahahaa. I'm stil happy for you too KJ. Anyway 3 fucking days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Western Civ project I have to work on plus clenaing my room PLUS packing. Hm what to do what to do. Well I know to work on my prject now then go clean my room then sort some shit out...YAY

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 02:54:42 GMT

WOOO how many days now biiiatch?? 8 Full days till I see.."Who's tall and strong as a palm tree???, It's EMILY EMILY EMILY" haha I can't wait...let's see Thursday I get out of school around 11ish (heather with me of corse) and I get ready and such then at 12:30? I go to the airport, get there around 1ish maybe get on my plane at 1:45, it's a non stop flight so then i get there around 5:10 and there i'll see EMILY. Holy shit i can't wait. Well I mean I've waited since she moved to go down and see her..man o man its actually happening. Then i'm mst deff coming back the following Tuesday WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You know you want some of this

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 21:35:16 GMT

Holy Fuck, this was one interesting day...started off pretty boring the double period went by pretty quick but it was after school that was all fucked up. Well after school I was going home with Heather because I'm still staying at her house, so I had to follow her. She was hanigng out wiht her friends Bobby, Molly, Katie and Rex came along with me kinda.. I'm glad he was there. I felt SO out of place...like you wouldn't belive. But as we were walking to Bobby's car, there was this dude holding a beer and talking with us. We were all laughing and "chilling" with him and such so he just came along. So basically we picked up a random 24 year drunk guy. And when we were talking with him, he was looking at me and couldn't stop complimenting my hair...wierded me out like woah lol. We all got in Bobby's car and took a ride to Ethnics...yet again uncomrofrtable to be there plus with this drunk guy who kept hitting on me. Gah. I wanted to walk back to the school but heather wanted me to stay so I did. Rex left me when we got in Bobby's car because he had drivers ed...it was all over then. We were in Ethnics for like ever, and PJ (the drunk guy) kept winking at me, smiling at me, coming up to me. He smelt like cigarettes and beer. Kind of unpleasent. So then on the way back to Heathers house Bobby was driving we got pulled over because Bobby' didn't do anything but the cop said he basically "cut him off" but he really didn't. So now all together I have ONE MAJOR FUCKING HEADACHE. Int he store i had to pee really bad. But Rex.. man he says how he respects me for my opions on pot and shit and how i always keep my cool all the time and are totally chill with it. But inside it's still pretty annoying and uncomfortable. I wish he stayed and didn't go to drivers ed lol. But last night we went to China buffet, it was goood good food then we came home and watched Silence of the Lambs, well I didn't watch much of it, I'm not really into all that gory stuff. I'm craving Olive Garden for the past month, and Heathers dad mentioned it but Heather doesn't want to go there so , so much for that. Anyway see you late fuck face.

Take My Hand

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 15:16:30 GMT

It's about 10:11 and I've been up since 7:30. It's strange how I can't seem to sleep past 7:30. My mom is calling me here around 11:45 to make sure she can come pick me up around 12:30. It's weird I was watching a music video and I saw some kid do a backflip on a trampoline and it made me think of Evan. Evan and I were suppose to meet up last tuesday but he had to go out to dinner with his dad. But like, this week he told me we could after school. I miss him so much right now. I don't know why, just seeing that trampoline, because he was always doing crazy things on trampolines. I remember holding hands with him, running as fast as I could and giving him a giant hug when I was about to go to lunch. Ah those were great times. We stayed after together alot too. And then I always had Amanda Eddy-zubke crawling up my ass along with Amanda Ladonne. Jesus, did they like to be immature. Ha, and then Anna and I came up with a slogan the other day for a shirt I'm about to make, all thanks to Evan.
Well...Erm I'll be back later with some nifty pictures of how I do my eyeline and hair now. Toodle loo

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 03:28:19 GMT

Right now, I'm craving someone. Someone to just...lye with in the fields, hold, make out vigorsly ,hold hands, cuddle. All those things are mainly what everyone wants. But like that song, no you can't always get what you want. If anyone is like me, they would have noticed that practically every night for the past 2 weeks has been a clear beautiful star lit sky. I make a wish everytime. I might as well tell you because it hasn't come true, I wished that I would hope to find someone, then I'd close my eyes and then look back up at the same star and stare at it for about 5 mins. But nothing. Listening to songs like "Ordinary Day" by Vanessa Carlton, just make you think, make things go through your head, make you want wants. Heather is in her room and I'm in her brother room. An empty room as I hear Heather talk to the person she loves most right now. I hear how she laughs, and I know when she smiles, because he makes me smile. I wish I had that. If I had someone, I would have lack of transportaion so that would mean not seeing them as much, Id be stupid because I normally am. I just gah. ::sigh:: ...I've realized lately how bodies mold togeher. Guys and Girls,it's interesting how girls just magically fit into guys arms and theres no uncomfort. and oil and viniger, once you shake it, it evenly balances out at one point. How hands fit together, intruments and voices, interlocking lips. Just makes you wonder what else is out there that fits together so well. Today heather and I did practically nothing, rented two movies, The Forgotten, and New Best Friend. The forgotten was pretty wacked but good and New best Friend we havn't quite finished yet, cookies and milk are the ones to blame who got us side tracked. Hm how many days now? 11 days till I see dear Emily.I cannot wait...Well that's all for now I feel like I just had to get all that out.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 23:52:24 GMT

Holy moly has it been a while. The reason is my computer totaly...broke and it won't even turn on, but it's in the process of being fixed. And..well the reason why I am on the computer now, is because I am staying at Heather's house till tuesday. Because my dad and future step-mom are in arizona to see her son in a play. I feel so greatful to be here. It was so nice of them to take me in for a bit. I mean I already clogged their toilet ha..ha..anyhoo. Today was the trip to the Medivial Times in New Jersey...for a ONE DAY TRIP. How crazy is that?? Crazy like whoa. Bus ride there...4 hours....2 hours in NJ...bus ride back 4 hours. I slept....wrestled with Caled in the seats hahaha...erm listened to music and that pretty much wraps it up. I'm painting my nails white as I type this. Wow it's good to type again. Schools been a bitch, i'm always tierd and still don't do any homework. Youth group is a pain, and I havn't been to a gathering in like 5797529 months. I think I'm going to start to make my clothes. That should be interesting. Ribbon necklaces, fancy halter tops. Stripes galore. Lets see how many days..12 days till I see the beautiful emily.Erm well You know I think I might change my screen name to ..something like... "likewhoax3"